50 Shades of Grey

Explicit Content.. be warned!

Say what you like about E.L James’s writing, this sassy lady hit the big time. So really, she doesn’t care what we think. Give her a 1 star review and she is still laughing all the way to the bank. 70 million copies sold and counting…. that’s 70,000,000. I haven’t seen that many zeroes since they did a tally of Kristen Stewart’s emotional acting range.

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And the S-E-X scenes… OMG, can I just say that it is mortifying writing that stuff. I simply can’t, I have tried but all that happens is that I go an awful shade of magenta and pray fervently that Murray doesn’t peer over my shoulder IN THE MIDDLE. I don’t think I would ever come back from that. It would probably lead to suggestions and lewd remarks, that would quite simply be too much to handle.

The one thing that old E.L got right was her leading man. CHRISTIAN GREY. I just want to rip his clothes off… I found him rather attractive in a pervy sort of way. No easy feat taking a man with mommy issues and massive sexual perversions and turning him into every woman’s fantasy. I mean, really. I had flashes of Murray threatening to spank me and I swear I reached for the frying pan. It just doesn’t work in the real world, but with Christian, oh it just does!

Sadly, E.L lost me about halfway through book 2, although I soldiered on and finally finished book 3 about a year later. The reason? Quite simply… Christian became 50 Shades of Gay. All those ‘feelings’ and “Oh Ana, I want to treat you well and be the best husband in the world.” He was just too tame and he lost his Grrrrr factor. Like expecting Superman for supper and getting Clark Kent instead. And then, there was the ending. I am sorry to say the ending was just too much for my brain. And the “K.F-ery” that transpired while Ana was pregnant was just taking it one step too far. It was gross. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

So all in all, the trilogy ended on a low note for me, although I was a big fan way back at book 1. Now, the hype has died down and everyone started looking forward to the movie. Husbands, mostly, I think. Because for the first time in history, it’s the ladies who are wanting to watch porn.

Everyone’s talking about the recent announcement of the casting of the lead roles in the movie version. Here they are: Ana & Christian, to be played by : Dakota Johnson & Charlie Hunnam.

50-shades-of-grey-movie-cast[1]Oh boy, after the much awaited announcement did these two come under fire! Some fans have even gone so far as to start a PETITION to get these two axed and the parts re-cast. Seriously? In a world where the rhino hangs on the brink of extinction and children are starving? I mean, its ridiculous getting so hot under the collar about something so trivial. Please, people, lets leave the petitions where they belong…with issues that are important and truly make a difference in the world. Like getting Ian Somerhalder to walk around naked. ALL THE TIME.

Now obviously Ian had my vote from the get go, but I’m not burning bra’s just yet. Instead, I cast my mind back. Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart. Who knew these 3 before the Twilight Saga? They were unknowns, and it didn’t turn out so badly. I also did some research and Googled Charlie Hunnam, SANS facial hair. He actually cleans up quite nicely  – I can definitely see a little Fifty underneath all that ‘Sons of Anarchy’ mojo. And to be frank I don’t care who plays Ana – she irritated me to death. I kept hoping her inner Goddess and her subconscious would punch each others lights out so that I didn’t have to hear about them anymore.

I say give these up-and-comings a chance –  everyone needs their big break. They’ve been given an opportunity, now lets wait and see what they do with it. The movie is scheduled for release August 2014, so until then…..

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20 Things You Didn’t Know About me

1. I hate sushi. Not just to be contrary but for real. It’s gross. It’s raw fish, I can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
2. I’m not a very good driver. I recently bought a Vito (shuttle bus) and I can’t park it to save my life. As a result its a long walk from car to destination. I daren’t tell my husband.
3. I’m scared to fly. Terrified even.
4. I bite my cuticles.
5. I have no idea what nefarious means.
6. I love to sing and please don’t confuse the word “love” with “can”.
7. I am envious of super skinny people. I sometimes envy people with gastro, who drop a few kilo’s in a matter of days.
8. All of my children have last names for first names. Not planned.
9. I’m not a natural blonde….by far the hardest admission on this page
10. I am still trying to devise a way to get Ian Somerhalder’s attention, something witty to say on his fan page that will set me apart from the legion of fans.
11. I have a dog named Marley, who lives up to her namesake.
12. I can read a 100,000 word book in 3 hours. It’s insane how fast I read. My husbands says my eyeballs have tourettes.
13. I drop the F-bomb *gasp*. A LOT. I have a mouth like a sailor, even my own mother has given up on me. It’s not meant to offend anyone, its just a fact, I can’t help myself.
14. I can’t tweet. The “twitterverse” is a super-scary place.
15. My favourite quote: “Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn…Then always be a unicorn.”
16. I call everybody nicknames that have nothing to do with their real names. For example I call 2 of my closest friends Bellsky & Ruby. Their real names are Anna and Wendy.
17. I sometimes forget my children’s birth dates. Never on the actual day, thank goodness.
18. I really like Bloody Mary’s.
19. I believe in Karma.
20. I can’t walk in heels.