So, as we all know I have 3 children. Hang on, quick head count.. .1, 2… yes, there are definitely still 3. (Yay me!) Sometimes it feels like a million. Most days I feel like this:
I’m a pretty good mom – my children are my life – and yet I’ve had my fair share of judgement. I’m the first to admit I don’t always get it right and most of the time I’m pretty open to any friendly parental advice. Note, I said FRIENDLY & PARENTAL. Implying be nice and be a PARENT. If you have kids and you have tricks – I want them. What I don’t care for, not even a little bit, is someone without children offering me sage, textbook advice & judging. You have NO IDEA what its like – how hard it is, being a mom. And it will come back to
bite you in the previously skinny ass haunt you.
Nothing will irritate a mother so much as the non-mom. You know the one I am talking about. That rare breed of insufferable know-it-all who advises every mother how they should be raising their child. She will eyeball your child as it climbs all over the glass coffee table, then “discreetly” raise her perfectly mascaraed eyes at her own husband. What she’s saying is that you suck and you are not doing your job, with a little bit of “I could do this so much better” thrown in.
Her sentences generally begin with the words “My child will never…” Yes, yes, we KNOW. Your child will never be given sweets on demand when in an insanely long queue at Woolworths, even if he or she screams and performs for 45 minutes, raising the blood pressure of thirty two innocent bystanders who just happened to need cheese on a Saturday morning.
Your child will never pull the puppy around the house by the tail and feed it sour worms until it is violently ill all over the Persian rug you spent a fortune on before you had children.
Your child will never throw a tantrum. (ha bloody ha.)
Your child will never pee on the grass when swimming on a hot summer’s day and will most certainly never pick its nose in public and then eat it.
Your child will not say “No!” when you ask it to thank your oldest remaining relative for the hand-made embroidered pillow case.
Your child will never watch too much TV, will never own a Playstation and will never leave the table unless all of its supper is devoured and a huge gesture of appreciation delivered, followed by a “No jelly for me, mom, it’s very bad for my teeth, perhaps just a small glass of carrot juice to fill the gap”.
The reason that moms dislike these non-moms is twofold:
Firstly, never judge a mother. Never. Not even if that mother is seen beating her four year old back side of the head while she wipes her two years olds running nose with the same wet-wipe she just used to clean the baby’s bum. In the world of moms that is known as multi-tasking. Write it down. You cannot judge a mother, particularly if you are not one. Before having my daughter I told everyone else how to do it. After I had her, I kept Valium in my handbag and wholeheartedly praised another mother for doing a fabulous job if she wasn’t peeling herself off the ceiling every night.
The second reason moms dislike non-moms is that non-moms have great bodies and get to enjoy copious amounts of guilt-free red-wine. But really there’s no need to embellish upon this reason.
A word from the wise: Take it from a mom who knows and heed my words before you do something you regret. Nothing pleases a mom more than watching judgemental non-moms become mothers. Your child will do all of the above and you will be powerless to stop it. Kids are funny like that – they are not robots. And the more you have used the words: “my child will never”, the more us moms will laugh and snigger behind your back and gossip about your troubles.
Your confidence will most probably not be able to stand this as gone are the days of perfect hair, perfect make-up and perfect body – those daily visits to the gym are history sister! And all those marvellous ideas like baking cookies and rainbow-coloured spaghetti aren’t going to work either. More likely you will forget the spaghetti on the stove, resulting in a congealed sticky mess. In my house we call this “mould your own supper night.”
We will believe you truly deserving of every moment and will smirk quietly into our drinks while you run around after your child, scream at your husband for his not helping you and basically flog yourself to death in front of an audience. At a moment’s notice any one of us could intervene and use one of many tricks that real moms have learnt through continuous trial and error, however in all likelihood, we won’t, because we want you to suffer.
That’s right. We.want.you.to.suffer.
Behind your back we will encourage your child’s naughty behaviour and laugh at your inability to deal with it. Moms are sadistic and very protective of their children. If you have judged a mother and her child, you may as well have kicked a sexually-deprived starving Rottweiler in the balls while eating a burger. She will not forget. You.will.suffer.
For the real moms out there – this one’s for you, with all my respect & sympathy 😉
You know you a mom when……….
1. Instead of running from projectile vomit, you run towards it.
2. You do more in seven minutes than most people do all day.
3. Happy hour has become the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.
4. A night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
5. A glass o…f wine counts as a serving of fruit.
6. You have mini-therapy sessions all day long with anyone who will listen.
7. Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
8. You can experience heaven and hell at the same time.
9. You think of physical pain on three levels: pain, excruciating pain and stepping on a Lego.
10. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your SO snores next to you.
11. You’d rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
12. You’d rather go to sleep than have sex.
13. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa.
14. Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
15. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
16. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhea just to get a break.
17. You love Moms’ Night Out and Date Night with the Hubs.
18. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you’re sick of sharing.
19. You’ve been washing the same load of laundry for three days because you forgot to dry it.