You’ve got Spam…..

You’ve got Spam…..

Having your own website is awesome. It makes you feel legit, even if you only have 2 subscribers, which essentially means you are paying approximately a hundred bucks per person, per month, to read your blog. Like I said… awesome!!!!

But, along with the uber-cool “it” factor, having a website also means you have to deal with spam. Ditto for email, Twitter, Facebook – the internet is full of shit.

Being a busy person, I hardly have time to reply to each and every piece of spam I receive but I did want to address a few particularly colourful posts that deserve a mention.

 1. My self-proclaimed soulmate, Mr King Whala. Thank you for your very public post on my official FB author page. While your turban did not deter me in the least and I quite fancy being a queen, as an author I simply could not overlook your atrocious spelling and grammar. I cannot thank you enough for supplying no less than 7 email addresses and 6 international phone numbers, but as to your suggestion of a “fec-to-fec” meeting, I must respectfully decline. My husband has a shotgun and an alibi.

 2. To the delightful Russians who hacked my website and proceeded to use it to sell Viagra: I’ll take ten boxes. I am willing to come to a compromise. Writing is a tough game, and should it not work out for me, I am quite willing to allow this sales trade to continue, so long as I get a cut. In the meantime I have (sadly) changed my password. I do so hope that women across the globe are not too disappointed should their deliveries not arrive.

3. My Chinese friends:
In answer to your delightful post:
グッチ アウトレット 公式,オロビアンコ バッグ メンズ,オロビアンコ 財布 ラウンド,オロビアンコ バッグ 新作,オロビアンコ バッグ リュック,オロビアンコ 財布,オロビアンコ 新作\オロビアンコ アウトレット,プラダ バッグ アウトレット,プラダ 財布 メンズ,プラダ バッグ
I reply simply:
ケース,ヴィヴィアンウエストウッド 財布 新作\ヴィヴィアンウエストウッド バッグ セール,ヴィヴィアンウエストウッド メンズ,ヴィヴィアンウエストウッド ネックレス,ヴィヴィアンウエストウッド

4. Nobephype: Seriously, if I wanted knock-off Louis Vuitton Handbags, I would simply take a trip to China Mall. I speak fluent Chinese (see post above)

 5. Dearest Cerys Matthews: While others may have been baffled by your post, which read only:
???: ?? ?????? ?? ??????????? ???? ? ??????????? ???? ????? ???????????? ?? ?????, ????????? ? ?????-?????. ????? ??? ??????? ??? ???
My answer is simple: Yes…no… to get to the other side…1.77245….
(Note: Anyone who gets this is officially in my inner circle :))

6. Lissohancialm: With regards to your offer for a revolutionary weight loss wonder product. Firstly, how dare you presume I have a fat ass….. Oh, who am I kidding, I’ve paid full postage and packaging.

 7. Hi Paulo K! You mention it’s hard to find my website on Google and that it only rates in the 22nd spot. What were you searching for exactly? If it was lesser- known authors, I’m well-chuffed I made it so high. If you were searching for Russian Viagra suppliers there is a problem with placing. I should be number 1.

 8. My new bestie, Miss Gugu: I am delighted to have won the UK lottery, despite never having purchased a ticket. Ever. In my whole life. Be that as it may, I have purchased the R180 airtime and sent it along…I can’t wait to receive your call!!!

 9. And then later…..Dear  Thomuuux Worldpill. Your opening statement reads: One pill may turn your bedroom into the heaven of sex and pleasure! Been there, done that, have three kids to prove it. But if you have any products that turn your bedroom into a room in which to sleep for hours on end uninterrupted, send me R180 worth of airtime and I’ll give you a call.

 10. To the naked fireman who sent me a friend request on Facebook. I’m sure you look just like your profile pic, which incidentally is the splitting image of my favourite celeb, sadly, your hose didn’t impress me enough to accept your invitation. Also, as I mentioned to your predecessor, Mr King Whala – my husband has a shotgun. And an alibi.

Happy Tuesday everyone!
Melissa
xoxox

 

9 thoughts on “You’ve got Spam…..

  1. Hillarious!!!!
    And yes!!! YAY!!! i have made your inner circle!!!! But you knew that hey.
    My son, Edward, and your son, Cullen, are proof of our commitment! LOL x

  2. Classic! I love all your replies – now if I can only remember them when I get spam, or would that be plagiarism! I have given similar replies to No. 5 when my kids send me sarcastic text answers to my “overbearing mommy questions”. I especially enjoyed one of your previous posts with respect to bad reveiws – haven’t laughed that much in a long time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *